what i feel.

You look darkly on the day
With memories to light your way
A little sad but it's all right
We are always living in twilight

No one knocks upon your door
Until you don't care anymore
A little alone but it's all right
We are always living in twilight

Living in a dream, walking in between the sunrise and sunset
Living in a dream, walking in between sunset and sunrise

You get tied up in your day, so I let go and walk away
And now we're loose ends of the night
We are always living in twilight

So it goes, though no one knows you like they used to do
Have a drink the sky is sinking toward a deeper blue
And you're still all right
Step out into twilight

So I stumble home at night
Like I've stumbled through my life
With ghosts and visions in my sight
We are always living in twilight

peacin' out

i will never forget this year.

& i don't want to say goodbye

I cant believe myself.

2 more months left.

2, 2 2 2 2 short short months.

things have changed, imensely. i can't even spell anymore.

someone very very important left to go home to buenos aires yesterday. and i betrayed my best friend for this person, what am i doing to screw things up so much? not being honest with myself.

i learned the most important thing is honesty. really. swiss people are so honest. I am not, I dont telll people the truth trying not to hurt them but in the end it hurts them 100 times more. Everyone, learn from my mistakes, be honest.

the future freaks me out , going home, trrying to make things work. I want to go to buenos aires , but will it work? If not, spscc for me. Which was what I truly wanted to be totally honest. I miss living with my family, and going to the co op to get some lovely food. A little house would be better, where all I could do is bike to everywhere I go. I would like to learn an instrument. I would like some warm weather everyday. I just feel, I duno, confused?

I am just in my little world of Switzerland, away from the rest of you. After 9 months and still here, and honestly it feels good. Freeing. I have been so so so long on my own I can undestand what truly matters. Success doesn't, but this does. Life, living, learning, evolving. The journey is what makes me happy. Not the end.

I dont update this blog enough, because, it puts me under a magnifine glass. You read what I write but it doesnt say or come close to explaining anything about my year here. It doesnt do its justice. I am lost of words, always lost. I just feel so misunderstood.

I feel like going to a real university would be not a wise choice right now. I dont know what I want to do, its pricy, and I need to explore and understand myself more.

When he left, I just sat there, and we didn't cry. I just stood there, and waited. No tears. Does this mean something? Without this year, I would cry. I am learning love without attatchment.Letting go and surrendering to life. Not being so dependent on people anymore to fill my love tank.

1 more month of school.
1 and a half weeks more of travel to austria, italy, and prague.
2 more months left.
100 goodbyes.
100 hellos.
1 year of something undescribable.
learning. growing. living.
thats all that matters.

HA HA HA HA this is a joke.

This blog.. please please please don't die away ok? REVIVE YOURSELF.

Well, indeed, I am revived. I am here ok? I am still alive. I am living my swiss life, quite ok, everyday is some new surprise in store, to learn about this culture, to see the contrast on myself with these people.. to gain similarities. But all in all, we are all one people, there is no separation. Sometimes I feel like I am loosing myself, like I am turning into boring sand and it is slowly falling and flakey and getting sent off with the wind. Until there is nothing left. I feel myself falling in sleep in class, when in the beginning I was wide awake, eager to learn German. Is senioratis hitting me here? Well, it could. I need to count my blessings, and this year is going too fast and I need to take it in!! Today I fell asleep in German, while we were watching a movie. I woke up, realized what was happening, but looked around and saw 3 other people sleeping. Then, I realized I was drooling everywhere on my shirt, embarrassing? No, no one saw. hahahah!

YES OK, GUESS WHAT MY PEOPLE? I changed host families. To an AMAZING lovely spectacular swiss family that are indeed so kind and friendly, and genuine. I have 3 BROTHERS (finally in my life) and all of them are HILARIOUS. I crack my everyday at the dinner table. One is 18, almost 19.. the middle is 16, and the youngest is 14. The oldest speaks to me in Swiss german, which I UNDERSTAND now!! Wipeeee! Sometimes I still do not get what he says and just mutter "uh- huh" hahahha.

Dankbar.

Youknow, there is so much to be thankful for.

I look around, and think, gee, joelle, stop your complaining.

This blog needs to be more, well, emotional.. more skin deep. Feelings, matter kids!

My words don't travel far. They tangle in my hair and tend to go nowhere.

-unknown.

I am thankful for this day.

Ein montat spater...

Sorry, took me 1 month to update. That is due to, quite frankly, laziness.

So, for the last 2 weeks I have had no school. Here in Switzerland, they give you a special break for skiing and snowboarding. Isn't that fascinating? In this beautiful land of alps and "tons of snow". Except, where I live, we do not get too much. About 2 weeks ago, we had a lot of snow, but now, it is surely melting away from the sun. I am ready for spring.

A crazy thing about Switzerland is that they celebrate Fasnacht (aka Carnaval) here intensely. Tomorrow, I am going to Basel (a town close to Germany's boarder) to celebrate fasnacht with some of the other exchange students. If you go to fasnacht, you should dress up as something (like halloween).. and I am dressing up as a clown. It begins 4 am in the morning, and continues throughout the week. You go, dress up, through confetti, listen to crazy music from bands, and watch parades in the street of people dressed up funny , playing music.

After monday, school starts again.

Heute.

I woke up at 6:20. Ate yuummmmmmy cereal with cow milk. Yes, Indeed. I am not following my milk sensitivity here because the milk is too yummy to resist.

I got dressed, raced to the bus stop, and talk to my lovely swiss friend Laura. We talked about life on the bus, as we passed by the lil villages on my way to school in the dark. I really have been craving sunnnnshine lately. Her dad is a naturopathic docter which fascinated me sehr. She asked about my dad, and I told her he is dead. She said she felt bad, and asked more about it, I told her I have grown a lot and I wouldn't be talking to her , or be in Switzerland, without that happening. Most people who find out don't say anything here. Just silence after I tell them. Laura asked I was a Pisces and I told her yes, and she is one too. I also get a lot of people asking me what I am, they really believe in horoscopes here or something.

I went to school, and felt a lil bit gloomy today. Yes, I have my hard days too. I had 2 hour of Physics and then German, and I talked to the teacher and I am going to start participating in the difficult reading material , because I want to do something atleast, and not just independent study. Its hard just sitting there, I was ok with it in the beginning, but I feel a little bit not like a normal student when I do that, I just feel worse of myself. In Physics, I worked on this lil art project instead of participating.. ha. I don't know , I didn't even have Physics in the states, and doing it in German would be a completely different thing. I could even start trying that too. I had dance today, we are learning a hip hop/jazz dance, which pirked up my mood immensely! And, and, tonight I have palates (sp?)! I joined a lil group in Mellingen, just to get some sort of work out in during the week without sport in the school.

I had no music in the afternoon, so I went home and ate lunch with my host mom and she showed me pictures of lovely Paris.

I gotta keep working on my art project. Till next time!